crazy how there are so many emotions running around at the very moment. so many things on my mind that i have yet to think through. over the course of the past 4 months, i’ve been doing just fine. of course it wasn’t always linear, but it did made me realize how far i could go. my worries and my doubts and my anxiety never left of course, they’re still around, maybe just smaller. more or less, present but enough to not cause me distress from time to time. an itch that won’t go away.

i’ve always known that i tend to put others before me. a bad habit of course. im diluting my worth for the sake of others when all along i’ve always told myself i am my number one. and it reflected and hit me back like bricks to my face. maybe im just worried that if i were to be left to my own devices, left alone with my mind, i would sink. which is why i tend to keep myself preoccupied with anything that could help me forget about ever being alone. of course it comes with consequences. and then i become torn over my priorities and what course of action to take. what do i do, when being alone means risking myself to fall off the deep end again?