i think i tend to perceive selective time periods as a glorious time in hopes that i dont have to think about how horrible it was. sugar coating the general in hopes that it'll look more appealing to my eye and that i dont have to look at past mistakes and hurt and have to witness those emotions linger in a time that was bittersweet to me. bottom line, i tend to block out the shit i felt in my past in hopes that it would make me seem as though my growing years were FILLED with joy and happiness. how toxic i am with my own self and i can still wonder why anyone would be deluded enough to give a single fuck about me. i never knew what they meant when they said that nostalgia is a bitch, it lies about how wonderful the past is and we long to relive it, until now. im trapped with this sense of want to relive back 2013 because in my mind it was so wonderful but how wrong i am. it was a year filled with emotional distress that i kept silent about it and i nearly dropped off the face of earth because of it. it was a year where i hit so low and had no support to pull me back up. i wasnt happy then. i was never happy then. i kept pulling strings to hide the fact that every minute of the day i felt so fucking worthless and tired and lonely. it was enough for me to stay afloat around condescending peers for me to make it to my 14th birthday. even then, it was still just shit. i was full of emotional baggage back then that when 2014 came around i began to numb away the feeling and soon enough became hollow. i was a walking void.

i cant help but still hold grudges tightly to my heart because of what i had to go through. the people that hurt me are still deemed wrongful to me till this day. on most times, they dont deserve the hurt they put me through. they knew what they did. some things are just too hurtful to the heart that when it hit, the bruise remains a bright purple that doesnt fade from time to time. it's wrong of me to hold anything against anyone, this is my conscious speaking but my feelings tend to overcome with a great disdain that it's just so hard for me to fully forgive them. i can't find closure in so many things it's beginning to become bigger gaps that cold air keeps passing through.

one day i'll tell them, the time will come.

as i sit here on a wednesday night, ready to head to bed, i ponder on when will i ever feel complete. i just want to feel whole again, but have i ever felt whole before? was i always hollow? i have forgotten a time where i actually felt at peace. until then, my brain will motion this coping mechanism to make things joyful for me to withstand my own feelings and thoughts. though, im beginning to tire out, maybe soon enough it'll all comes crashing and im left alone with the murky memories of a dreaded past.