i write this at a weird timing of the day. usually i write at the late hours after 1am where my thoughts sprout to the deepest crevices of my brain. clearly they decided to act upon at this timing as i type. i've come to realize that my anxiety and depression(? still unsure really) are always lingering in the back of my mind. on sunny days where i'm content and happy and filled with joy, it stays there. it watches and lets me make my memories. only for me to come crashing down again as they make a reappearance. i'm convinced that it never really left me. sometimes i think that maybe it was all just an act. that i dont have a mental illness. that what i'm feeling is just me being selfish and absurd about how i'm being treated and what not. i honestly at most times don't believe that i'm suffering this. i find myself thinking that maybe i'm just faking it. i don't know if i am. i can't really tell whether i am or not. and at times like this, my brain decides to flood everything and anything to me. i feel everything at once and i get so tired and so miserable that i just want everything to be numb. i don't know how to balance feeling everything and nothing at once. there is no in between for me. i get invested in feelings or i don't and i can't find the grey area to anchor me down. i'm scared.