well here i am. i made it to the end of year 1. honestly i have never felt so relieved in my entire life before. not even when i completed Os tbh. y1 was full of antics that drained my life even more. im just glad that it's over and i can finally rest for 2 momths.. except i probably forgot how or fall into a deeper hole than the one im already in. i realized during my first sem break that staying at home affected me negatively somehow. i felt even more depressed than i already was and days just seemed to fuse into one until i realize that school was starting again. days and nights are just identifiable to me as light and dark and time didnt mean anything to me. for the most part at least. it was bizarre honestly, because days just went by and all i did was lie on my bed at home and maybe just stare at the ceiling for a solid hour before coming to my senses again. i would really want to think that im okay but i know im not. i just feel like admitting wouldnt mean anything much yknow?

we're in the midst of moving now. packing mostly. im still coming to terms that the house i grew up in for the past 18 years won't be labeled as home anymore. the walls of my room that witnessed every emotional breakdown and joy i felt wont be there to see me grow anymore. my study corner in the living room wont be there to see me struggle through assignments through the late hours, on the verge of giving up. they won't be there to witness my family have a laugh in the living room as we watch a stupid comedy show. the neighbourhood that i know about, every hook and crook of it, would be distant from me. i would have to start anew, explore my new neighbourhood and such. while the thought of getting a bigger and neater room is nice, i cant help but feel such a disconnect. we officially move out of here by late april. by then i would be starting y2. this is crazy really. my home wouldnt be mine anymore, it'll be for another family. i wouldnt be able to interact with my neighbour's grandson every thursday morning now. i wouldnt be able to hear my neighbour's daughter playing the piano at odd timings now. the corridors that i frequently used will soon forget my footsteps. instead of living a minute away from my best friend im practically in another neighbourhood where i need to travel far just to see her. it's odd, it's sad, it's frustrating. i dont want to leave, i dont want to experience change.

i know eventually i WILL come to terms with it. seeing that i did when my aunt moved from bukit panjang to eunos. i guess finally, i have to come to terms that im truly growing up. and to move on is to grow. i have to accept that everything good must eventually end, and to start a new journey, i must sacrifice something in the process of it. i just hope that i will never forget where i come from and who i was. maybe when i do get to live past the age of 25, i can look back and pat myself on the back and be proud that i made it that far. even if it means letting go of somethig so dear to me.