well here we are. 2017. would you reckon id still be alive now? surprisingly yes, i am. okay it really isn't. you know i always see myself in the future being happy, being an adult doing the things i enjoy and just being present in general. but it always seems so fake to me. like it's impossible. like somehow i wouldn't live to see that. of course me, being me, i force to feel optimistic even if i am a pessimist in silence. i contradict myself for the most part. i yearn to not feel at all but i desire to seek positivity in everything. i'm brought up to learn that there will always be something positive to look forward to, even if everything is a shit stain at the moment. sometimes i pity my child self, for believing that that is true, for having to figure it out on her own because everyone she's supposed to rely on doesn't tell her how it truly is when she grows up. but i'm also proud of my child self because she got through all of that by herself. the countless times she sucked in her breath and held back her tears, the times when she felt so alone, the times when she doubted herself but still continued on. proud is an understatement really because the emotional turmoil that builds up from childhood shouldn't even exist in the first place and for her to carry it along till now is surprising. but truth be told, i really am glad that i'm still alive. even at most times i feel like i don't want to, trust me i do. i don't want to let the inner demons conquer me again. they linger but rest assure they won't stay.