i find myself coming back here often when i'm doubting myself. no surprise there but it's as if that's the only purpose yknow? i would love to come on here and talk about my happy days but honestly, that's so rare. i find a distinguishable line between happy and enjoyable. happy means i have never felt more alive, that for once i never thought about my anxiety or anything upsetting. enjoyable means i live in the moment and i'm more than content with what i was doing then. does that makes sense? probably not haha, i don't even know. i just know that i can't truly feel happy without having a bad thought coming by every moment in my life.

my family was talking about money and adult stuff in general earlier today and it gave me such a headache. not that physical headache, like a mental headache where you just can't bear to listen to it and it hurts you mentally and emotionally rather than physically yknow? i'm terrified that i'm turning 18 this year. i don't want to grow up i fucking don't but it's unavoidable and i must live through it. i'm constantly stuck in a state of.. i don't know, denial? i keep denying negativity but it overcomes me silently. i realized that my brain has made me forget about bad times in the past and only focusing on the good things, i'm unintentionally escaping and i didn't even realized it till not long ago. it's bad, i don't want to live in a constant state of denial, i have to live through the pain and feel it, i have to feel every aspect of it, to know that this is all real. it's hard because i keep numbing myself to not feel it, because when i don't, it'll hit me so hard i get knocked up.

i'm trying, i really am. but i can't stop myself from feeling like this, my coping mechanism every time something bad happens is to numb it and it's such a bad thing to do. i need to feel the pain but that would mean i'm feeling it everyday. it's so tiring to always be like this. one day i'm hoping that i'll be okay but i fear that i won't live to see that day. i have faith and hope in me but i can't help to think that maybe it's not worth it. i'm always in a constant battle with myself and i'm so tired. i'm so fucking tired.

but maybe numbing myself has it's perks. the ec that i once had is slowly fading and i don't feel sad about it. sure it's a dull ache but it's been so much easier ever since i started to numb my own feelings yknow? i'm able to get through things easily, no feelings to bother my head.

man i'm a wreck. but at least i'm aware that i'm one.