hello again.

i apologize for my inconsistency but truth be told, this blog is where i pour my mind out. i'm glad no one knows about this because it's basically my diary haha. never thought i'd say that but sure why not. i need to write to keep me sane, to keep me from falling deeper than i already am.

anyways, i'm 4 days away from turning 17. honestly? i'm fucking surprised. i am. i never thought i would live to be 17 (Insya Allah). but yeah, i just never did. i always thought something would happen and i wouldn't be able to see myself turn 17. but here i am 4 days away. i don't know how to feel honestly. but truth be told, i really just feel numb. like really numb. for once i don't feel excitement or like sad or whatever, i feel numb. like i don't know how to feel. my friends kept going on about how my birthday is near and then kept hinting at buying gifts and such and i feel fucking terrible knowing they're spending their money on me. what do i have to offer for them to buy me something? i'm not worth that. i really am not. sure i'm thankful but i feel so undeserving of it. i don't feel like i deserve any of this. i really don't. i would really just rather you use that money for yourselves than for me.

and here's the thing, i feel so undeserving of my friends. i don't deserve their careness or time even because i'm not worth any of that. maybe i'm overthinking all of this again but i really feel so fucking bad that they go through all this trouble for me. for me? what did i do to deserve all this love and happiness because i really feel like don't. it's so overwhelming i just don't know. and by God i'm really trying not to feel like this but i can't help it. i'm trying to accept all this love but it's so surprising and overwhelming and just unexpected.

i'll get better i know but for now, i'm just everywhere. i feel numb but i also feel everything at once. and i hope i don't let this get to me. because i really don't want it to.