5 months.

i'm sorry i haven't been on for that long. i have a lot to say, but i just wanna keep it simple and sweet (haha knowing me that'll probably be short lived since my brain is a 24/7 none ending train of thought). so let's not waste anymore time shall we?

school. i'm actually enjoying it? surprised? me too. never thought i'd be saying that in a million years haha. the friends that i have made, they're not that bad. we're all supportive with each other which is amazing. however, even though it's been 5 months, there's still that... i don't know? awkwardness? it's this constant buzz that's always in the air, can't seem to tune it out. obviously that's expected since it's only 5 months but i just can't help to think that maybe by now, we would've bypassed that. to say the truth, we probably already did but that hum is ever present ya know?

sure it's all sweet and positive but then obviously the dark clouds start to invade. my anxiety spiked again, and i dare say maybe it's gone worst..? i'm trying, i really am, but i just can't reach it yknow? i'm on this treadmill where i feel like i'm reaching but honestly i'm just not even near it. haha idk.. before exams, i had my first panic attack. that was... something. it felt terrible- no scratch that it was the worst. because it was at 1am, in my room, in my safe haven and i felt so vulnerable. i couldn't breathe, i was sobbing like mad and my chest was so heavy i thought i wasn't going to live through it, and i went through it alone. i don't know, i just, i can't believe that that actually happened yknow? i always thought i was so strong, guess that was a crumble. this wall i put up front, i'll never tear it down. one day? maybe. that day isn't near though. and that's fine by me.

speaking of new friends.. haha i can't believe that i'm gonna type this out but, someone, or actually 2 people were... interested in me???? what the fuck though haha. well, there's a reason i said 'were'. well it only applies to one of them (hopefully). he was nice but i just couldn't see myself with him. he was more of a close friend, a brother. don't get me started on 'oh so you friendzoned him?' haha the friendzone doesn't exist. my feelings are valid as his, and if i don't see him that way then deal with it. harsh? no, that's reality. anyways, the other one? it's a funny story actually. i was having a casual conversation with my classmate before our paper during MSTs, and he started mentioning about how he has a friend who's religious and stuff. of course i jokingly went 'woah #husbandgoals' without thinking much about it. the repercussions has landed me to where i am right now. he proceeded to show me his instagram and of course i went 'well, he's cute HAHA'. mind you, i wasn't thinking much which is why what happens next got me tumbling over tables and shit.

so i guess he was an ec? sure let's call it that because he was an ec. anyways, they both worked together and just out of nowhere one day, he followed me on instagram???? me being well, me, freaked the fuck out. the next day i asked my classmate on this absurdity because trust me i'm not that appealing to the eye so why the fuck did this cute, tall boy decided to just randomly follow me? his response? 'oh well he asked if there's any cute girls in our class, i showed him our class photo from CCN day and well yeah he followed you. he stalked you using my instagram and followed you.' i'm gonna be honest with you right now, when he said that, i was in disbelief. never in my life has someone thought of me like that (i mean i guess idk whatever) but yeah. i flipped and was like 'holy fuck what'

fast forward to now since i'm really too lazy to type out the entire thing, i talked to him and it was awkward as hell because both of us are just 1) generally awkward 2) have no idea how to talk to the opposite gender. talk about the ultimatum of cringey awkwardness huh? anyway, yeah that's pretty much about it??? there's obviously so much more detail in between but that's for maybe another time (or not at all, we'll see).

okay enough of boy talk because that was exhausting. onto me right now. in the present. the me that is of right now, 9:10pm on the 22nd of September 2016. how is she? what is she doing? is she alright? truth be told, i don't know. i'm figuring it out still. since it's the holidays, i've been my usual rotting self at home. talk about having a social life amiright haha ok no. but i haven't been out a lot. most of the time, it's either to school or to grab food for awhile, then it's back to my room where solitude is at an all time high. it's bad actually.. i know it, i just can't bring myself to physically agree with it. i feel so stuck yknow? like actually stuck, i don't go anywhere, and sometimes even maybe staring at my room ceiling brings a better joy than most of my days spent hell bound in school or whatever. i fear that i might be becoming worse, but i also feel like i can't help it... sometimes maybe i think i deserved it. maybe i do.

and i feel like i've come to terms with it. sort of. i'm just.. existing? yeah. i'm occupying space in this moment. and maybe that's okay? my purpose of living had faltered so long ago but i can't bring myself to just leave. i remind myself everyday that i have so much more to give, to see, but i feel like i'm lying to myself. i'm in a constant state of anxiety and tug of war between what i feel and what's necessary. if that makes any sense. i'm just gonna continue living, even though i feel so hollow inside. and i think i'm okay with that. maybe.

i think i should end here. i'll be back, i know of it. maybe not so soon. but probably sooner than you think.