Friday, April 1, 2016, 12:39 AM
here i am again.
it's 13 minutes past midnight as of now and here i am listening to milky chance, semi hungry, semi sleepy but full on afraid.
got my orientation letter in the mail today and it's as if a huge asteroid just landed on me because i'm really facing reality and saying 'yeah im starting school in 2 weeks' which i've been avoiding that thought for 2 months now. i can't believe it's april already. honestly, i really just wished time would slow down or stop just so i can relish and indulge in this comfort zone i'm in.
this realization isn't just 'oh lol im starting school and holidays are over' sure that's like a fraction of it, but it's also 'im turning into a young adult so soon, i'm going to have to meet new people, i'm going to learn new things, i'm going to go through that anxiety of failing or disappointing myself and my family. i'm not going to have so much time on my hands to meet my old friends.'. but the worst one to think about is whether i'll cope in this course, in this school.. i feel like it was just luck that i got in this course and im pretty sure whoever that got in are fucking smarter than me and knows waaaay more than i do, are waaaaay more advanced than me and that i'm probably seen as a liability in the entire class. i'm afraid, no wait i'm terrified of what's ahead of me.
i've been escaping reality for too long that now that i'm facing reality again, i feel so disillusioned. netherless, i just want to do my best, and hopefully not feel pressurized till i'm on the tip of the iceberg.
but what bothers me is this particular question on the form, 'what are your hobbies?' because i just stared at it for a solid minute, not knowing in particular what my hobby is. it rendered me memories of when i'm younger about how easy it was to answer that. now? i don't even know my hobbies.. sure i placed reading but i felt like i'm lying because i haven't been doing that often heck i just finished a book that i bought 4 months ago and that's a VERY long time to finish a 200+ page book. this question just makes me realize that i've been wasting my life so much for the past 5 months. how did that even come about honestly? i spent approximately 180 days wasting my life away and i feel so guilty about it. i've always lived by 'don't cry over spilt milk' but honestly knowing that that time could've been spent wisely kills me.
but of course, i'm excited to start this new journey. you know me, always looking for the good even in the worst. i tend to layer that all by saying i'm souless or whatever. but as detached as i can be to emotions, there's that spot of colour that doesn't seem to be engulfed in all the darkness that traps me. there is always good underneath every rubble of horridness, one way or another at least.
either way, as afraid as i am, i don't want it to stop me from experiencing something amazing. i remember being afraid and skeptical about going to upper sec, but turns out it was probably the best experience i've had in secondary school. heck aside all that bs drama, i had so much fun. but now, i'm entering the same situation except i'm on my own.
and maybe i'll be fine. i can only hope and pray but it'll be worth it.
i know.